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Jun 17, 2015 21:23:16 GMT -6 |
Post by Brendon Matthews on Jun 17, 2015 21:23:16 GMT -6
 INTO THE NOTHING LEAVE ME AT THE BOTTOM WHERE THERE'S NOTHING LEFT Brendon jerked himself over and onto his side, and then began to begrudgingly rub at the back of his hand. It was at that point that he belatedly spotted his roommate. Joshua stood in the hallway, right beside the dorm room door and he was just staring at him. The sight of him only further ignited Brendon’s inner rage.
He gave his roommate the most scornful and angry glare of contempt before he jerked over onto his other side—to face the wall—and promptly dragged the large covers back over his body. With a jerk of his hand, he threw the covers up over his head and decided he didn’t have ANYTHING to say to his stupid roommate.
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Post by Joshua C. Ardel on Jun 17, 2015 21:39:46 GMT -6
 
ᴅᴀʏ 2 | 12:00ᴀᴍ | ᴄʟᴏᴜᴅʏ sᴋɪᴇs Bren’s scowl…was different. His entire anger was different and Joshua was drawn to this change. He wanted to have every part of him—but he knew…that he couldn’t and so…he would just settle for what was given to him. That thought was…disappointing, but he’d have to continue correcting himself if he had any hopes of breaking the vicious cycle that had formed between them.
As Bren hide underneath his covers Joshua quickly began removing his jacket and shoes. His gaze briefly looked to the whiskey and then towards the kitchen. He would have to find a better hiding place for this later…but for now he simply placed it in the freezer.
Joshua then took in a deep breath and tried to seal his emotions as he entered the bedroom and stood before the boy. His emerald gaze remained on him for a moment before he tried to think of what to say…
He didn’t know why Bren was angry…but he hoped that his…offer would…help settle things between them.
“I…” Joshua began, but paused to take in another deep breath before looking away from his roommate. “I intend to be civil from now on…”
TAG:Brendon Matthews
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Jun 17, 2015 21:53:55 GMT -6 |
Post by Brendon Matthews on Jun 17, 2015 21:53:55 GMT -6
INTO THE NOTHING LEAVE ME AT THE BOTTOM WHERE THERE'S NOTHING LEFT He couldn’t believe how childish he was acting. Brendon realized that he hadn’t completely recovered from what had happened between them. His time within the bathroom hadn’t been long enough and his anger and frustration toward his roommate hadn’t helped him settle down at all. Those emotions were still present and still raging a fire inside of him. There was a mixture of so many emotions and they had all broken through his usual callous, angry, and indifferent demeanor. There were simply too many emotions running rampant for him to be closed off. And that pissed him off. He was still infuriated and he still vehemently continued to believe that he hadn’t done anything wrong. There had been no reason for Joshua to react the way he had.
“I… I intend to be civil from now on…” His roommate’s voice was close to him and Brendon realized that he was now standing beside his bed. The fury that he felt still wouldn’t subside. He couldn’t get rid of the feelings, the exposure, or even the damned… embarrassment. H—How dare Joshua make him feel these things.
“Why?” He raged from underneath the covers, his voice filled with the anger burning a hole inside of him.
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Jun 17, 2015 22:07:08 GMT -6 |
Post by Joshua C. Ardel on Jun 17, 2015 22:07:08 GMT -6
ᴅᴀʏ 2 | 12:00ᴀᴍ | ᴄʟᴏᴜᴅʏ sᴋɪᴇs It was extremely hard for him to admit that out loud…and Bren’s response easily pricked at his temper. His expression hardened as he jerked his attention back towards his roommate…but he held his tongue. He closed his eyes and took in another deep breath as he calmly thought of an answer… But the answer he held…wasn’t something…he was comfortable with sharing.
“I don't to fight any more.” He answered simply, but there was a slight strain within his tone as he stared out their window. It wasn’t a lie…but it wasn’t the entire truth either…
TAG:Brendon Matthews
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Jun 17, 2015 22:41:09 GMT -6 |
Post by Brendon Matthews on Jun 17, 2015 22:41:09 GMT -6
 INTO THE NOTHING LEAVE ME AT THE BOTTOM WHERE THERE'S NOTHING LEFT “I don’t want to fight any more.” His roommate’s answer sounded so solemn that it caught Brendon’s attention. He finally focused on the words that Joshua had spoken to him… and he immediately felt an awkward sort of strain against his heart. The first emotion that pressed into him was… a self-conscious sort of feeling. It was foreign to him: like many of the emotions Joshua evoked within him. Why… had his roommate come back with this attitude all of a sudden? Had what he done… really gone too far? Had he crossed the line?
The self-consciousness bit at him. It snared him and made him uncomfortable. He didn’t want the way they were… to change. He didn’t want it to be taken away from him. What if he had really gone too far? What if… Brendon shut off his mind and clenched his hand into a fist from underneath the covers. No, he wasn’t going to have these sort of thoughts. They made him sound weak. He wasn’t going to be weak. He wasn’t going to be self-conscious. He wasn’t going to care.
“What is your definition of civil?” Brendon asked in return and the sharpness in his voice hadn’t left.
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Jun 17, 2015 22:57:12 GMT -6 |
Post by Joshua C. Ardel on Jun 17, 2015 22:57:12 GMT -6
ᴅᴀʏ 2 | 12:00ᴀᴍ | ᴄʟᴏᴜᴅʏ sᴋɪᴇs Silence was his answer…
Joshua was accustom to giving others silence and even receiving it in return. But this time it irritated him. This was exposing for him and instead of appreciating it Bren was arguing with him.
“What is your definition of civil?”
He was tempted to grab the covers and jerk them away from Bren. But he stood his ground and continued taking the boy’s snarky replies.
“I don’t know,” Joshua returned with aggravation…and quickly regretted his temper. He exhaled slowly and tried to amen his aggressive answer.
“What…is your definition? I’ll follow those guidelines…” he mumbled begrudgingly.
TAG:Brendon Matthews
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Jun 17, 2015 23:03:50 GMT -6 |
Post by Brendon Matthews on Jun 17, 2015 23:03:50 GMT -6
INTO THE NOTHING LEAVE ME AT THE BOTTOM WHERE THERE'S NOTHING LEFT “I don’t know,” Joshua immediately snapped in response. However, after a brief pause, he actually began again: “What… is your definition? I’ll follow those guidelines…”
Brendon was angry. But, more than that, he felt… …slightly… hurt. The thoughts from before had sunken into his heart and despite his resolve to not give a damn… he could still feel the sting. Just what did Joshua plan on doing? What was his plan? What was he going to do? He wanted answers to those questions.
“Do whatever you want,” He returned coldly and began to close off. He wasn’t going to answer him. He wasn’t going to explain what ‘civilized’ was. He didn’t want them to be ‘civilized’. He wanted… He had wanted… something more than that. But, he didn’t care anymore. He wasn’t going to care.
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Jun 17, 2015 23:13:30 GMT -6 |
Post by Joshua C. Ardel on Jun 17, 2015 23:13:30 GMT -6
ᴅᴀʏ 2 | 12:00ᴀᴍ | ᴄʟᴏᴜᴅʏ sᴋɪᴇs Joshua…felt as though he were doing a fine job with being civil currently. He may have lost his temper slightly, but for once he was trying to fix that mistake. His patience…and understanding was met with an infuriating response however…and Joshua immediately reacted poorly.
His attention jerked back towards the boy as he abruptly grasped onto his covers and tossed them away.
“Those were your terms,” Joshua snapped angrily at him, but his attention suddenly faltered when he was met with…Bren’s…body. He had changed into new clothes and they draped perfectly against his form. His body was…
Joshua tensed as he felt an all too familiar ache pulse through him. His expression hardened but…he quickly looked away from his roommate.
Control…he needed control…
TAG:Brendon Matthews
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Jun 17, 2015 23:27:34 GMT -6 |
Post by Brendon Matthews on Jun 17, 2015 23:27:34 GMT -6
 INTO THE NOTHING LEAVE ME AT THE BOTTOM WHERE THERE'S NOTHING LEFT Without warning, his roommate grasped onto his comforter blanket and threw it off and away from him. Anger pierced Brendon, flaring up hotly within his body. His narrowed amber gaze immediately jerked toward Joshua as he snapped viciously at him in return: “Those were your terms.”
His roommate’s anger and attention faltered—and his emerald gaze riveted down to his exposed body. The look he could see within Joshua’s eyes only further enraged Brendon. Because it brought about the hurt he didn’t want to feel.
“You think you can come in and try to change everything?!” He yelled back at Joshua just as angrily as before. His anger had gotten the better of him. He spoke or rather yelled everything before even giving himself time to process it. “Well—I won’t let you!”
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Jun 17, 2015 23:44:15 GMT -6 |
Post by Joshua C. Ardel on Jun 17, 2015 23:44:15 GMT -6
ᴅᴀʏ 2 | 12:00ᴀᴍ | ᴄʟᴏᴜᴅʏ sᴋɪᴇs “You think you can come in and try to change everything?!” Bren actually shouted at him and it did nothing to quell Joshua’s own anger. His expression hardened into a glare as he looked back to him and listened to his pointless argument.
“What is it that you want, Bren?” Joshua bit back scathingly as he actually reached down to grab his arms and pin them in place as he hovered over him.
“To continue this?” He asked slowly, but his breathing was a bit heavy because of his anger and…desire. He had tired to fix things…but Bren stubbornly kept reverting them both back.
“I only have so much control left Bren.”
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Jun 18, 2015 0:54:40 GMT -6 |
Post by Brendon Matthews on Jun 18, 2015 0:54:40 GMT -6
 INTO THE NOTHING LEAVE ME AT THE BOTTOM WHERE THERE'S NOTHING LEFT “What is it that you want, Bren?”
Brendon’s heart squeezed and he found himself being made his roommate’s prisoner once more. Joshua abruptly reached forward and brought his solid and unyielding grasp around both of his arms, pinning him down to his bed as he towered over him.
“To continue this?” When Joshua taunted him Brendon’s amber gaze widened. The mediocre squeeze around his heart became a vice grip and he felt physically harmed by his statement. He felt exposed and vulnerable, and a whirlwind of emotions began to plague him. His features stiffened as he tried to hold everything back and steel himself.
“I only have so much control left, Bren.” His roommate concluded but he had already said more than enough. His anger resurfaced but it was different before. A dark and calm anger settled within his chest and he could feel himself growing cold and distant.
His words from before returned now, echoing within his mind: He didn’t want any of this. He should have never… done any of this.
“Then be civil,” Brendon returned and his voice was as bitingly cold as the weather outside. He was done with all of this. He was through with his roommate. He didn’t want anyone to be… a part of his life.
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Jun 18, 2015 1:39:26 GMT -6 |
Post by Joshua C. Ardel on Jun 18, 2015 1:39:26 GMT -6
ᴅᴀʏ 2 | 12:00ᴀᴍ | ᴄʟᴏᴜᴅʏ sᴋɪᴇs In this moment...Joshua held no understanding of the boy’s words or what he wanted. Why was he angry at him for trying to make things better between them? Was it too late? Was that the true meaning behind his statement? Had Joshua ruined any form of normality between them?
Bren remained motionless as he stared up at him. His entire demeanor began to change…and Joshua…recognized the darkness filling his eyes. He could relate to it all…
“Then be civil.”
Joshua’s anger lessened as he continued to watch him. There was a coldness filing his heart as he took in the icy tone beneath his words. Bren was trying to seal their fate…to let him know…that any salvation between them was severed. But Joshua…wouldn’t allow it…
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Jun 18, 2015 2:35:55 GMT -6 |
Post by Brendon Matthews on Jun 18, 2015 2:35:55 GMT -6
INTO THE NOTHING LEAVE ME AT THE BOTTOM WHERE THERE'S NOTHING LEFT Why would Joshua possibly want to keep him in his life? He was no one. He was so easy to discard and replace. He had gone his entire life alone, abandoned, discarded, replaced… His own father… hadn’t cared. No one in his family gave a shit about him. Because that was what he was. What, had he thought that things with Joshua were different? That was only because… he was an idiot. He was a fool. Retarded.
His plans shouldn’t have changed. Nothing should have shifted. His emotions should have remained… how they had been, before, in the past… when he had first arrived to the academy. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to be nothing, no one. He could fade into the background and become invisible. He could drop out of school. He could just… not care. About anything.
Brendon finally began to try and turn away from his roommate. But, his hold against him was too hard and unbreakable. He felt his heart clench tightly and painfully.
“Do whatever it is you want,” He told him coldly and attempted to push his hands away from his upper arms. “Be civil. Be strangers. Be whatever.” He bit out the last part scathingly as his resentment and bitterness rose within him.
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Jun 18, 2015 16:58:12 GMT -6 |
Post by Joshua C. Ardel on Jun 18, 2015 16:58:12 GMT -6
ᴅᴀʏ 2 | 12:00ᴀᴍ | ᴄʟᴏᴜᴅʏ sᴋɪᴇs Joshua’s hold naturally tightened when Bren finally began trying to pull away from him. It was inevitable considering what had transpired between them. But he wished Bren had waited a moment longer before trying to fight him.
“Do whatever it is you want. Be civil. Be strangers. Be whatever.”
His response…was unexpected. Joshua had understood his anger before and why he had made it very clear that nothing between them would ever change. But the bitterness within his tone…the hurt…hidden deep within his words…they didn’t connect.
However, Joshua didn’t want to unravel the meaning behind his statement. He instead wanted to take it as literal as possible and use it against him.
“You shouldn’t…give me such freedom…” Joshua returned as he began to actually get onto Bren’s bed. The cheap material creaked beneath their combined weight and soon his large form was settled above him.
“But I am happy…that I finally don’t have to restrain myself any more…”
TAG:Brendon Matthews
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Jun 18, 2015 17:01:56 GMT -6 |
Post by Brendon Matthews on Jun 18, 2015 17:01:56 GMT -6
INTO THE NOTHING LEAVE ME AT THE BOTTOM WHERE THERE'S NOTHING LEFT “You shouldn’t… give me such freedom…,” His roommate spoke to him in a low voice, his tone somewhat husky. Brendon remained stiff underneath his hold. He had diverted his gaze to instead stare off to the side and toward the wall beside his bed. He remained silent and held everything inside of him. He wanted to lock away all of his emotions… until he couldn’t feel anything anymore. He wanted to be hollow, impenetrable. Unmoveable.
Joshua… climbed further onto his bed, onto him. Brendon could feel the weight of his roommate’s body pressing down into his arms. The bed creaked and groaned underneath the added weight… and Brendon finally brought his gaze back to him. Joshua spoke to him further, his voice still low and… tense… conveying the emotions he was feeling.
His roommate’s words, his piercing gaze, the intent he saw behind them, the way he looked down at him… Brendon’s heart clenched painfully tight as more emotions swelled within him. What did Joshua want from him? What did he have to restrain? He couldn’t trust him… He didn’t want to trust him, his words, his intent, none of it.
What were they even doing? What did Joshua think he could achieve? He couldn’t understand him. He couldn’t peer into his mind to see his thoughts, his emotions, his feelings. He didn’t have anyone… He was just: alone.
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